On January 25, 2017 at 5:30pm Melanie coded.
It was on this day, at this time that I changed. Forever.
After this event I was in fight or flight mode. Or Mama Mode as I like to call it. I was doing what My baby needed. I didn't have time to be sad to to sit down and think about how this event would affect the future. I thought I was coping extremely well for what had happened.
I always heard that when you reach a point where you can tell a story without getting emotional that you were healed. Well I told that story of her coding so many times and I never cried. I could recount the events to any doctor or anyone to share Melanie's story. I THOUGHT I WAS HEALED.
On April 18, 2018 (yes nearly a year and a half later) Melanie and I were at the hospital for one of her routine follow ups with one of her many clinics. We were here all the time it felt like, I was never triggered. I was able to walk those halls like I lived there. But today was different. Today I would be walking down the hall and walk past of the the PICU (pediatric intensive care unit) doctors that had a hand in saving my little girls life 14 months earlier. EVERYTHING rushed back. I felt a pang of fear and desperation crash into me like a Mac truck. I had to sit down, I felt weak in my knees and my whole body began to shake. I finally made it to the atrium, found and empty chair in the corner and lost every bit of composure I had been carrying around for so long.
When we made it to her appointment for the day we didn't get the best news. She was dropping weight for no explainable reason and everyone was perplexed. Once again, I LOST IT. I was a mess. I couldn't even articulate or understand myself why I was so upset all of a sudden.
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After that day in April I continued to feel down and angry. I started having flashbacks from the day Melanie coded and also different happenings in the PICU. Seemingly random things like certain smells or sounds would sent my body in to full blown panic before I could even recognize what was happening.
I kept thinking to myself, I have been fine all this time why is this happening now?? Melanie is doing so much better, why am I so upset?? I SHOULD be over this by now.
After two months of not feeling better and wondering if I would ever be able to break out of this unbearable feeling I decided I needed to talk to someone. I contacted the Clinical Therapist that had come to check on me multiple times in the NICU and PICU. We talked briefly about what I was feeling and we set up an appointment.
After a couple appointments with her talking thought what I was feeling we concluded that I has experiencing a Delayed Reaction to the trauma we experienced. I learned that it is actually quite normal for parents in ICU situations. When all the shit is hitting that fan you don't have a chance to process what you are feeling and what is happening.
It's like a Filing cabinet. Your brain pushes all the hard things in to drawers and eventually the drawers start to overflow so you put all your weight against those doors to keep them closed. There will come a point when she drawers are so jam packed with crap that they all fling open at once and you are left with a horrendous mess of papers. There is absolutely no way in hell they will all fit back in the cabinet so you are left with no choice but to sit down and sort through them one by one and file them correctly.
She gave me a few "homework" assignments. First was Yoga. Huh?? Yoga?? Yep that's what I said too. But honesty there is something so relaxing and releasing to slow down, breathe and stretch. She actually wanted me to find a yoga studio to attend classes but ain't nobody got time for that. I have found a few instructors of you tube that are very soft spoken and offer sequences for specific times. Such as for when you are feeling overwhelmed, anxious or pissed off. I do these when I feel like they would be beneficial and I really can tell a difference. Here is the link to My favorite YouTube yoga instructor!
The second thing she wanted me to do was to write, on paper what I was feeling. To go down deep inside my self and dig out all those buried emotions and stick them to a notebook page. Which was all well and fine until she mentioned that I would be reading it to her at our next appointment. I put off this assignment until 2 days before I saw her again because I knew it would hurt. I knew there were things that I was feeling that I did not want to go back to. And I was right, it was freaking hard. I cried, but not just cute tears rolling steadily down my cheeks. It was the cry that people can hear from another room, the type of cry that causes your cheeks to feel raw for days after from of being marinated in salty tears. It was not a pretty cry, but it was a healing cry.
I wrote 4 full pages about what I was feeling. I felt better afterward. I am glad that I did it. I also read those tear soaked pages of angry, depressed and grief stricken words to her 2 days later. which was also incredibly hard. But also, healing. I still have these papers folded up neatly in my wallet. I see them every time I open it and its a good reminder to check myself and file away what i'm feeling at that time instead of shoving it in the back of the cabinet.
In addition to talking to a professional the thing that has helped me the absolute most is prayer. Which seems cliche, and something that honestly I had to work very hard at. I had reached a point that I didn't know what to say while praying. I encountered this feeling a couple times throughout our journey, sometimes it is hard to pray when it feels like there is no reason for all the pain. But I found comfort in knowing that God knows my heart and he hears the unspoken prayers.
(If you haven't heard this song I urge you to look it up. This is my #1 when life is taking a very different direction than I had planned.)
I am still working everyday toward getting better and better. Its not easy and its something that can creep back up on you very quickly if you don't keep it in check. I have days when I am just down and times where something is looming over my heard and I have to shoo it away.
If you are feeling down, please seek help. It does not make you weak or mean you are not a good parent in anyway. If you need medication, take it. If you need to just get something off your chest talk to someone. Do what YOU need to do to feel better. No matter what anyone says!!
You are a beautiful person who has a tiny human watching and learning from you. So take care of yourself, have a tasty beverage and give your worries to the man upstairs!
